Mental war

Sorry it has been so long since the last blog. I never seem to allow myself enough time to complete everything that I would like to. I changed my workouts a little bit but needed to adjust the start time. My sleep patterns are crazy. I will wake up at odd times and try to force myself to get more rest. Really I just read the news for an hour or so and pray I will go back to sleep. Eventually I do but it causes me to wake up later than I would like to or I wake up after a few minutes and start the cycle over again. Regardless it is my fault for not managing my time. Anyway…I had my follow up appointment yesterday to find out the results of the blood test. I was convinced there was something wrong with my thyroid because of my weight challenges. I feel like I try to workout at least 5 days a week and I’m not seeing as much progress as I thought I would. I will admit what I consume is not always the healthiest but I’m not eating a ton. As I stated before I don’t consume enough food each day. I’m close to 300 pounds and 5’7″. Weight should be falling off me but nope it is sticking to me like glue. Not the cheap glue…expensive super glue. I also assumed that something was out of whack with my hormones. I’m the sweaty bearded lady. I’m not sure how to feel about the results. The doctor said I’m super healthy. Yep…I’m shocked too. How is a sweaty, obese, bearded lady healthy? I went in hoping we could easily identify what was wrong and come up with a plan to attack it. Her guess is that I have policistic ovarian syndrome. I haven’t really researched all of the details but she prescribed a couple of meds for it and will do more tests in 90 days. I will do what I usually do. Drop the prescriptions off, pick them up and read the side effects. I hate taking pills especially for weight issues. I didn’t take a pill to get fat. So I then go thru the process of beating myself up. Am I not working hard enough? Maybe if I was stricter with my eating it would be different. I’m just lazy. Is this the easy way out? The list of questions and punches can go on forever. I’m not sure what the right decision is. She mentioned that I’m not diabetic but my body doesn’t break down sugar like it should. One of the meds will help with that and the other helps the bearded lady part. I made it clear I was not interested in an appetite suppressant. I don’t need that. So…do I avoid reading the side effects and take the stupid pills? I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life but I feel like if I don’t get this weight off I will. My blood pressure issues won’t go away until my weight does. What is easier to justify taking? I don’t want to take any of it. I feel like I’m cheating if I do. Regardless I can’t give up. I just need to figure out the best path for me. Obviously what I’m doing now is not working. I need to figure out what does…quickly. 

 

Breathe B****! 

Yes I was yelling this at myself this morning as I was going up the never ending stairwell. I suppose I should start at the beginning. My friend has purchased tickets for us to go to the crown of the Statue of Liberty on my birthday. We are both pretty excited about it but of course I had a minor freak out moment because well I’m fat. I’m pretty sure fat people do not go up 20 floors of stairs ever in life. I work in a building that has 3 floors and if I have to go to the 3rd I’m taking the elevator. I’m breathing a little heavy when I take the stairs to the 2nd floor. I’m clumsy and fat so I naturally avoid stairs. Needless to say I figured if I somehow trained then perhaps I would make it to the crown next month. Today was my first “training” day. I wanted to push myself as far as I could so I would know where I stood and could set goals. Honestly I thought I would make it to the 7th or 8th floor. As I’m walking up to the building I start going thru the list of reasons why I would only get to that floor. I’m fat. I can barely do 2 floors at work. I’ve been working out twice a day so maybe my body can’t handle it. The list of excuses just kept flowing. Never in a million years did I ever think there was a possibility that I would reach the 20th floor on my first time. It was not easy by any means. There were times when I thought about quitting. I was sweating like crazy and breathing so heavy that I could have awaken the dead. Regardless I kept pushing and reached the 20th. I’m not sure if I looked at my watch correctly but I think I did it in 8 minutes. I was completely shocked. I ignored my excuses and far exceeded my expectations. Instead of saying breathe maybe I should be telling myself to shut up. ☺️ 

 

Fat Girl Fears

So my birthday is a month away. I decided to visit my friend and explore New York. I’m not sure what I envisioned would take place on the trip. I just thought about being in New York with my best friend. I really didn’t think of the million miles we would be walking. That didn’t really sink in until she asked me if I wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty. She said we could go all the way to the crown. I may have gone into shock. The first thing that came to my mind was this lighthouse I had visited and the thousand stairs to the top of it. The Statue of Liberty makes that lighthouse look like a small toy. My next thought was how on her birthday I was too fat to go in the helicopter with her. Will I ruin this for her too? Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. After falling into the fear pit I realize I have time to lose a few pounds and attempt to become a stair master. I may be 294 pounds right now but that doesn’t mean I will be that same weight on my birthday. I could be down 20 pounds by then if not more. I hate stairs and usually breathe heavy just thinking about going up them. If the Internet is correct we will have to do 20 stories to get to the crown. I have plenty of time to practice. So…I finally listened to my kids and joined them at the gym last night. I have avoided the gym because well I’m huge and it’s just awkward being surrounded by tons of tiny people that can last a lifetime on the machines and I’m breathing heavy after 2 minutes. It’s just uncomfortable. Either way I sucked it up and went with them. They left me to the machines while they hit the weights. It was painful and embarrassing. I was determined to try several machines and wanted to stay on them at least 10 minutes each regardless of how slow I had to move. I did a total of 3 machines. Not a lot but enough to let me know which one to avoid. 😊 There was a stair machine there but I didn’t make it to that one. I may just find a building that is over 20 stories and just go up as far as I can. I will repeat it as often as I need to until I get to the top. I can do this! I can conquer this fear as long as I focus and work hard. The gym was an excellent idea too. The lesson that I learned is that I should probably go there more often. I’m going to get more out of the gym then I will on my casual, slow pace walk each morning. The gym will challenge me more even if I just stay on the treadmill. I will be walking a steady pace instead of my stop and take a pic pace. I look forward to developing a new schedule of stairs and gym time. Fingers crossed that I will stay consistent and will be ready for the crown next month. 

Punching bag

Most people take their anger and frustrations out on others. I apparently just continue to beat up myself. The hole just gets deeper and deeper the more I think about my failures. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be where I am with my weight. I also assumed that it would be fairly easy to drop weight in the beginning because I am so large. Maybe it would have been if I would have done things differently. I’m losing the battle and it’s totally my fault. It’s so easy to get off course, give up or come up with excuses. I start a lot of things but never seem to complete them. I’ve got a lot of dreams but never do anything to make them become reality. All of these negative thoughts just lead to bigger questions. Why am I here and what is my purpose? It’s a difficult thing to truly look at yourself. I can easily point out all of my faults and shortcomings. The list of positive things doesn’t exist. I constantly remind myself where I fall short and then set these huge goals to change things. In doing that I just further set myself up for failure because I never reach those goals. Let’s just look at my weight challenges. I was 293.6 pounds the last time I weighed. Instead of setting short term goals I went for the big one and said I wanted to be 135 pounds. Do you know how long it will take for me to reach that goal? I will give up long before it happens because it’s too far off. I do this with everything in my life. I want the prize at the end but it’s never an easy one to get to. I end up going thru the vicious cycle of beating myself up for being where I am and giving up because the goal doesn’t seem attainable. It’s hard to change how your mind works but that is exactly what I need to do. I know I can win the battle but I need much smaller goals. Goals that are attainable so that I am winning instead of beating myself up for being so far off. So…yes I would love to be 135 but that’s isn’t realistic right now. My new goal is to be 275. That is a much smaller bite so hopefully I will stick with it. Once that goal is met then I will continue to adjust it to a new goal. Hopefully this will work for me. Quitting isn’t an option.