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Honest Vomit

We all have our own insecurities. Some more than others. I can guarantee my list of things I need to work on is longer than most. I choose to air my demons out. Okay okay…I’m sure several of you think I should be more positive and stop tearing myself down. At this stage in my life I don’t see it as being negative. I see it as being honest. I know my faults and shortcomings. I also know that I’m fat and lazy. Why sugarcoat it? I’m around 5’7″ and over 300 pounds. That’s fat, obese, chunky or whatever word you want to use that helps you sleep at night. I did this to me. We all have choices in life and I have never chosen me. As a child I was pretty much on my own early in life. My life wasn’t about eating healthy it was about trying to survive. We ate what we could find and sometimes that was air. I was married with children at a very young age. Then I was divorced with children at a very young age. My entire existence has been dedicated to those children and my job. Our meals were always quick and unhealthy. I never really learned the art of cooking. I’m pretty much a 2 year old trapped in a really giant body. For lunch today I ate mac and cheese. Yes a large bowl of Panera mac and cheese. For dinner you guessed it…a hot dog. Actually 2 but who is counting? Insane but true. I’m completely 100% lost. If I’m being honest I don’t even know that I’m doing this for me. I know that I don’t want to die and leave my kids. It seems incredibly selfish to know that I’m killing myself and doing nothing to prevent it. I feel the changes in my body with all of this weight. It is getting worse and worse. I feel it all over my body. My ankles swell every day. My knees, back and legs hurt after sitting just a short amount of time. My arms feel like huge weights that I’m tired of carrying around. I’ve had chest pains for what seems like an eternity and now my hips are starting to ache. How the heck is a 38 year old falling apart like this? Aside from the physical part of this craziness is the mental side. I want to travel to so many places but the thought of purchasing a plane ticket makes me have anxiety. Do I purchase one or two tickets? The thought of walking from the parking lot into the airport is dreaded. I will be covered in sweat before I get 5 feet from my car. It’s not just traveling…it’s basic things like going out to eat. Do you try to squeeze in a booth for fear that you are going to be that guy that breaks the chair? There is nothing like having your breast on the table because the booth is too tight either. I avoid social events too. First of all you are never comfortable in anything that you wear. You look like a busted can of biscuits regardless of what you have on. You just stand there dripping with sweat praying that no one talks to you because you can barely breathe. I don’t know when I evolved into this person that is held hostage by weight but that is where I am today. The hope is that the 21 Day Fix and Shakeology plan will put me on the right path. This won’t be easy and I’m scared to death. I need to learn how to eat healthy and begin to exercise again. Dying this way is no longer the choice I want to make. I choose to live.


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