Pounds, bye

I know it is only day five of the keto diet and day three of workouts but I was curious and had to weigh myself. You are not going to believe this 💩! Okay let me give you the disclaimer first. It was a different scale than the one I originally weighed in on. With that in mind it may not be totally accurate but it has to be close right? Either way I’m taking the win! I’ve officially escaped the 300 pound club. I now weight 299.2 lbs. I lost 6.8 lbs! Holy cauliflower mash potatoes Batman!! So freakin exciting. I know I will hit a wall at some point and will adjust whatever necessary to continue on this path of weight loss. Wish me luck!

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Insignificant

Today was pretty awesome! I had a Aqua Intervals class that was actually pretty intense. Water Therapy was about balance and Aqua Intervals was about dumbbells and moving. These ladies may be silly but they are no joke when it comes to the workouts. I’ve officially been invited to 1000 lunches with my new friends. I guess you can say they are exactly what I need right now. After the water class I decided to get my 30 minutes in on the treadmill. The struggle 🚌 was real. I didn’t eat breakfast and I just felt weak. I didn’t go as fast as I wanted but I completed the 30 minutes. I grabbed some lunch and then headed to everybody’s favorite store Target. I’m not sure if I blogged about buying my first swimsuit 10000000 years before the cruise last October. It was a traumatic time. I’m fat and try to avoid the mirror at all cost. Picking out a swimsuit, putting it on and then looking in the mirror to make sure it fits okay was pure torture. It was the worst day ever. I’m pretty sure I wore a dress to cover the swimsuit on the cruise. 😳 I say all of that to say I haven’t once had a second thought about how I looked in that swimsuit when I walked my chunky ass out to do these water classes. In fact, I went to Target to get more swimsuits. After all you can’t wear the same suit to class every single day. The selection is always tiny for big people. I’m pretty sure the obesity rate is rising but let’s make it difficult for them to find clothes. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Whatever…I grabbed one and then headed to the active wear section. I need some clothes for all this working out. I looked around and saw nothing in my size. I asked one of the associates if they have plus size active wear. She tried to refer me to the maternity section. No girl…I’m fat not pregnant. She asked me what size and then said no they don’t have it. I told her that fat people need clothes to work out in too. She giggled and said I could order it online. Yeah I know but I would like to try it own first. Thanks for nothing girl. Thanks. If you hear about some crazy female writing a letter to Target about discrimination then you know it was totally me. Anyway…Target can’t take away my win though. Wear that swimsuit girl! 🏊🏻‍♀️

Body attack

So after yesterday’s craziness I was determined to do two classes at the gym today. The first would be body attack which sounded frightening and water therapy which sounded relaxing. As soon as I got to the gym I had an attack of the body so I did not attend the body attack class. Bubble guts had officially kicked in. I’m not sure if it is because I’m on day three of the keto diet or if it was pure anxiety. Either way…there was no way I could make it to the class. After I was done I headed to the treadmill which happened to be located by the body attack class. Thank you God for bubble guts. At this stage in the game I would not be able to survive that class. Time to focus on the treadmill. Fifteen minutes in the guts were rumbling again. I was determined to make it to 20 minutes. Yeah…that didn’t happen. After 17 minutes I made a run for it. 😔 I really did have the best intentions. I decided to change to my swimsuit and pray that it didn’t happen again. A dripping wet big girl making a run for the restroom is not a sight anyone should see. Aside from that, the struggle to peel the swimsuit off before anything occurred would be complete chaos. Yeah I may have worked myself up a little. 😬 I headed to the pool. I was surrounded by women 20 years older than me. They were all so sweet. Walking, doing lunges and controlled movements are harder than you think in a pool. They looked like champs. I looked like I was fighting myself. In a way I was I guess. Balance is important and clearly an area I need to work on. It was my first water class and I totally enjoyed it. The people were all nice and I could do things in the pool that my knees will not allow me to do outside of the pool. I look forward to the next class tomorrow! Don’t worry…there was no brown alert. 🤣 I’m going to see how the day goes with that situation. Maybe I will do yoga tonight 🤷‍♀️ Regardless, I’m excited to be meeting new people and trying new things.

Excuse or fate?

Yesterday was my first Monday in 21 years of being unemployed. I tried to be strategic and keep myself occupied. I unpacked and straightened up my temporary room. Next I knew in order to work on myself physical, I needed to find a gym. I wanted one with a pool so I could try water aerobics since my knees hate me. That requirement narrowed my choices down to two. The first one was old, smelly and expensive. It also had 5000 stairs going different directions. I would get lost in that gym. 😬 The second gym was newer, didn’t smell funny and cost way less than the first one. It’s layout was all one level which means no stairs for these bad knees. 🙏🏻 They also had this really cool machine that scans your body. It list your weight, fat percentages and different measurements. Just for the record, I weigh 306 pounds. 😮 Yeah I’m not shocked. I’m determined to escape the 300 club in two weeks. 🤞I left there determined to be awesome today. I got a list of the different classes and tried to map out my week. I was super excited about attending my first group class today. It was an Aqua Intervals class where you are in the pool and you use dumbbells. I’m not sure what else is involved because I missed the class. 😔 Believe it or not my friends apartment flooded. Yep…what are the odds? Needless to say she called out of work and I stayed home to help her. I was also worried about leaving my puppy with all of the workers coming in and out constantly. She was frustrated and had every right to be. I didn’t want to add something else to her plate. I was really trying to be a good friend and mom to my puppy. So…am I that person that made up excuses not to go or was it fate keeping me from the gym? Either way I plan to be awesome tomorrow. There is a body attack class in the morning that I’m scared shitless to take. After that they have a water therapy class. I’m hoping I will be okay to do both classes. There is a third class I would like to take that afternoon but I’m not sure if I will make it or not. Regardless, I’ve joined a gym and started a “diet”. I’m trying to follow Keto to a certain degree. I’ve been keeping track of my food intake and I’m definitely not eating enough. I think we are going to shop again this weekend and do some meal prepping to make things easier. I’ve also ordered protein powder so I can start making my breakfast smoothies. Hopefully all of these pieces of the puzzle come together and I start to see a difference soon. A girl can dream. 🤷‍♀️ The alarm is set and we will see what tomorrow brings.

I choose me

It’s been a while since my last blog. Life has been a little crazy and sometimes I run from myself. This has been my outlet for real, raw, unfiltered thoughts and emotions. It’s where I release things that maybe should sometimes stay in my head. This helps me and my hope is by sharing that it can help someone else as well. So…here goes. Have you ever felt backed in a corner where you feel you need to do something drastic to escape? I’ve been feeling like that for a while. Work and kids have been my only focus for a lot of years. You can tell by my previous blogs that I would go thru stages of trying to put myself first. I would fail every single time. I’m not good at choosing me. The kids and work were always first. The kids are grown now and hopefully living their best life. Work…I’m not sure how else to describe it but an abusive relationship. I have no clue what to do with my time if I’m not working. I had kids when I was a kid and worked my ass off trying to provide for them. I have become this lost individual that just wakes up, goes to work, goes home to bed and then repeats. Last year I was really frustrated at work and started thinking of quitting. Of course the responsible workaholic in me fed me tons of excuses why I shouldn’t. I turned 42 in January. I hit my 21 year work anniversary in February. I’m pretty sure I had a serious meltdown when I realized I had worked half of my life somewhere. What have I really done with my life? You can look at me and tell that I have not taken care of myself. I’m just existing in this life and not really living at all. I decided to submit my resignation in March. I moved out of my apartment and was living in a hotel when I did it. I didn’t want anyone changing my mind. There was no way out of this. Well…it turns out that they were a little shocked with my resignation and asked me to continue to work thru the summer. Obviously there was a financial component behind it which is why I agreed. It would give me more opportunity to try and save before I drove off into the sunset. At least that is what I told myself. I continued to work and since I was there they decided to wait until July to feel one of my positions. Come on…you know workaholics have like 4 jobs. It’s funny how they realize the need to split things after they have murdered you for years but whatever. I’m not bitter. 😉 Needless to say I finally reached my last day of work. Today is my first day of being unemployed. I’m not trying to find another job right now. I don’t want one. I want to focus on me. I want to work on my mental and physical health so that I don’t get lost when I do start to work again. There are so many things I’ve never done or places I have not been. My big plan is to not really have a plan. I packed the car and drove a little north to stay with a friend for a month or two. After that…we will see where the road takes me. This chapter will be about learning to love myself, getting healthier and trying new things. Wish me luck!

Depression

I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬

Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone? There are so many thoughts racing thru your mind. You recall a thousand conversations that make you feel more alone. Does anyone really care or are you surrounded by people that ask how you are but don’t wait for the answer? There are people that fake like they care. You know the ones that say call me if you need to talk but they really didn’t mean that for real. They claim to be Christian women that want to help others but really I think they just like saying it. Maybe they just want to help others like them. I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just some crazy funk I’m feeling at the moment. My life is a little upside down right now. I’m making big decisions that will totally change my life. There is no way to know what the right decision is or what the outcome will be. It’s scary. I keep telling myself to have faith and it will all work out. I believe in my heart that is true. My head though…that’s a different story. I guess it’s just making me question everything. There are people that have been in my life for over 20 years and I thought they actually cared about me. Perhaps they really were just work associates and not friends. Hell I’ve never been to their house, we don’t hang out so why would I think we were friends? Which then makes me question how many friends I really have. I’ve lived a life full of work and caring for kids. Perhaps I’ve separated myself from everyone that tries to be a friend. I don’t know. It’s late and my brain is in overload right now. Tomorrow I will be awesome. Oh and to the friend that may read this. I love you and don’t worry…I’m okay. 🤗