Faith

There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.

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Hot tub police

I was dragging a leg yesterday so I decided to avoid the gym. Today was a new day though. My knees still hate me so I took it really slow on the treadmill and spent a little on the bike. Then I made my way to water aerobics. I love it because you can do things in the pool that you simply cannot do outside of it. I will admit that hopping around and bending my knees was a little challenging today even in the pool. I decided I would hit up the hot tub after we were done. Maybe the heat would help with my knee pain. The hot tub was empty so I kicked back and relaxed. This old, sweaty guy appears out of no where. He starts taking his sneakers and socks off. I was apparently in total denial. There is no way you are getting in the hot tub. Sir…read the sign. You need to shower. It was like a slow motion tragedy. He sticks his feet in the water. 😳 Ummm….this is not okay. He then starts picking the skin off of his feet. 🀒 What in the holy hell are you doing? Bad knees or not I have to escape this hot tub. Don’t make me hurdle your ass sir. Thank God for the old man with the rat tail hair that distracted the skin picker. I was able to escape the skin infested water. I don’t think I will do that hot tub thing again at this gym. Nope…not happening.

Have I given up?

I don’t know the answer to that question. If I’m being honest with myself I would say that 95% of me has given up. The last couple of months I’ve tried to really focus on my physical health. I went to the gym 6 days a week and was able to lose a little weight. My body started to hate me though. I was trying to complete the couch to 10K app but clearly have failed. I got up to 70 minutes on the treadmill before I pulled the plug. My knees and foot were starting to bother me. I decided to cut it back down to 30 minutes and start adding time on the bike to it. I’m not sure what I did wrong or when but my good knee is now worse than the bad knee. It hurts and is stiff when I first start moving. It takes a while to warm up but eventually I can walk slow which is my normal. I can still walk on the treadmill but it’s at a slower pace and I’m moving slow when I’m done. Part of me worries that if I continue to push that I will cause more damage. The other part of me says I’m just making excuses and the no pain, no gain thing. How do you know which is true? We decided to stop keto on 10/1 and start counting calories. We planned to have a cheat meal before doing it. One cheat meal turned into several. When I weighed in on Monday I had gained two pounds. 😬 We swore we would be awesome again on Monday. It’s Wednesday and it hasn’t worked out yet. So…my gym life sucks and my diet is in the toilet. I can’t win for losing. My body hates me and my self sabotage game is on another level. Maybe I will read a self help book, lay on the couch all day, accept defeat or convince myself that I will be amazing tomorrow. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Today…I give up.

Numb

Do you ever wonder how you got to a certain point? I’m not sure what’s going on with me if I’m being honest. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just here. I woke up this morning with zero desire to go to the gym. I went anyway and once there didn’t really want to get out of the car. I forced myself to get out and go inside. I guess I was hoping once I got going everything would be okay. After 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the bike, I left. I literally have no desire to do anything. It’s not that I’m depressed and want to curl up in bed. I’m just existing if that makes any sense. I’m hoping once I relocate everything will fall into place. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’m not working. It’s sad but maybe without work I have no purpose. There has to be more to life but I’m not sure how to figure that out. Perhaps I will explore a little more once we get settled. Either way something has to happen because this numbness is not okay.

Commando

It’s been a while since my last confession, blog or whatever we want to call this crazy. I guess I’ve just been in a little bit of a funk. I’ve been trying to stick with keto and continue to go to the gym. The couch to 10K app is now up to a total of 53 minutes although I think the next day jumps all the way to 70 minutes. 😳 My knees are kicking my butt. I had hoped that by shedding a little weight I would relieve some pressure. It’s just not happening. I weighed in a couple of days ago and am down a total of 24.2 pounds after 6 weeks. I’m sure I could be doing better. We finally had a cheat meal and have had a few desserts. It’s just been really tough lately. I thought I would give my knees a break from the treadmill and would try the bike. Yeah my left foot that has been in a boot a couple of times didn’t like it. I lasted a whopping 15 minutes and then switched to the treadmill for a little bit. I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels sometimes. Can I really accomplish the things I want to if my knees hate me? Is all of this for nothing? I decided to continue on with the 10K app today and of course my body is hating me. I guess I will try something else tomorrow. You know how when one thing isn’t going your way it seems like other things start to punch you in the face too. I struggled on the workout and then I dragged myself to the pool. I legit almost fell asleep there. I dragged myself back in to change clothes. Guess who didn’t pack any underwear or bra. I’m standing there butt naked eyeballing my swimsuit. Do I really want to fight myself putting that wet thing back on? The answer was no. Commando it is and the girls will just swing. I quit today. Tomorrow…tomorrow will be awesome.

Misery

If I go missing, the old lady in the water therapy pool did it. She totally looks like Kathy Bates. Look at that face. She stares at me the entire time just like that while I’m in the other pool. Lady…you are not being sneaky. Everyone sees you looking over here. 😳 I thought if I stared back that she would stop. Nope…I got a creepy smile in return. I decided it was best not to make eye contact after that. Besides I was distracted by the instructor. She was closing her eyes, gritting her teeth and breathing like crazy. Girl…we are in the pool. What are you doing that we are missing? Everyone else is running in place talking. I couldn’t stop watching that crazy. I guess I was that mean girl today. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Well until I looked at Kathy again and yep she was still staring at me. No I will not be joining you for lunch or church lady. There will be no alone time in our future. Anyway…speaking of torture, the treadmill sucked today. Today was 5 minute warmup, 30 minute run/walk fast and 5 minute cool down. Pretty sure that was the longest 40 minutes of my life. The last 5 minutes of the run/walk fast was pure misery. Tomorrow we add another 5 minutes so that should be awesome. A wise friend told me to try watching Netflix so I can distract myself from watching the clock. Hopefully that works tomorrow and 🀞that Kathy isn’t there staring at me again. 😬

Gym time

I didn’t go to the gym for close to a week and I didn’t miss it. 😬 Is that wrong? I’ve been going 6 days a week for a month. I thought I would develop a habit and crave it at some point. Nope…not there yet. Will it ever happen? I’m not sure. Right now I view it as a necessary evil to get me where I want to be. That kind of makes me nervous if I’m being honest. Will I quit going at some point and fall back into old habits? I guess I shouldn’t waste energy playing the what if game and just focus on right now. I legit dreaded the 28 minute run/walk fast today. I know it is only 3 more minutes than yesterday but apparently I like being super dramatic and fighting myself. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ The treadmills I like we’re taken so I had to choose one I have never used before. I am convinced it is faster than the other ones. I thought I was going to fall off. Well that was before I got distracted by my shoes. It felt like my toenails were trying to claw their way out. Seriously…it hasn’t been that long since my last pedicure. How did I suddenly have talons? Focusing on my toes helped because the time started to fly by. Thank God! Don’t worry I cut the talons when I got home. Nails are so disgusting and so are those nasty people that don’t clean the machines at the gym after using them. 🀒 Clearly I need to work on my stink eye. Sir/ma’am I see you! You just sweated all over that machine. I bet you didn’t wash your hands in the bathroom either. You are so nasty. I guess it would be wrong if I sprayed you down with the cleaner. Get it together people! Anyway…it was off to the pool after my treadmill time. I will admit I dreaded it too. Once I was in the pool though…it felt great. I may have even missed my old lady gang a little. I wonder if I can talk them into matching tattoos. πŸ€” It’s never too late to get that tramp stamp right? Just kidding 🀣