Depression

I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬

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Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone? There are so many thoughts racing thru your mind. You recall a thousand conversations that make you feel more alone. Does anyone really care or are you surrounded by people that ask how you are but don’t wait for the answer? There are people that fake like they care. You know the ones that say call me if you need to talk but they really didn’t mean that for real. They claim to be Christian women that want to help others but really I think they just like saying it. Maybe they just want to help others like them. I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just some crazy funk I’m feeling at the moment. My life is a little upside down right now. I’m making big decisions that will totally change my life. There is no way to know what the right decision is or what the outcome will be. It’s scary. I keep telling myself to have faith and it will all work out. I believe in my heart that is true. My head though…that’s a different story. I guess it’s just making me question everything. There are people that have been in my life for over 20 years and I thought they actually cared about me. Perhaps they really were just work associates and not friends. Hell I’ve never been to their house, we don’t hang out so why would I think we were friends? Which then makes me question how many friends I really have. I’ve lived a life full of work and caring for kids. Perhaps I’ve separated myself from everyone that tries to be a friend. I don’t know. It’s late and my brain is in overload right now. Tomorrow I will be awesome. Oh and to the friend that may read this. I love you and don’t worry…I’m okay. πŸ€—

Today is that day

You know the one where you are probably at your lowest point. I tried for a moment to think of something positive about myself and totally failed. I literally hate everything about myself at this moment. Don’t worry…my crazy ass will snap out of it and will attempt to be awesome tomorrow. Today is just tough. One of my friends informed me this weekend that I needed to purchase a swimsuit. The thought of it made me ill. I haven’t owned a swimsuit in years…like 20 or so. We went to three different stores and I was just dripping with sweat. Thank God none of them had any for me to try on. I would have passed the hell out. I started heading home and of course I’m telling myself I’m a grown ass woman and I should just buy a swimsuit. It’s not that big of deal. My body is my body and I should just get over myself. I bought an Apple Watch and pie instead because that made more sense. 😳 After I beat myself up last night I decided I would go again today to a different store. I grabbed a couple of different short sizes and they only had one top that was maybe my size. OMG! I’m so fat…there are no words to describe what I saw in that mirror. My knees look like they are sunk in. They actually look like the back of my leg if I’m being honest. It’s really, really bad. I have the largest size shorts that they have and if I gain a pound I may bust out like the Incredible Hulk. The only thing I can say about the top is I thought it was a smaller size than what it actually is because I was going based on the size on the hanger. Yeah that was an awesome discovery too. I bought it though. Now I own a swimsuit that I don’t want to wear but I will eventually. I know what you are thinking. Fat girl get off your ass and do something about it. Yeah I know…I don’t need the lecture or judgement. Tonight I will eat Oreos and work because that is the only thing I’m good at. Tomorrow is a new day…

Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy πŸ’©there is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. πŸ€ͺ

Shaving makes me invincible

It may sound ridiculous but I can assure you it is a real thing today. I normally fear falling down, getting in an accident on the way to work and the 1000 other things that run thru my crazy ass mind. Today I am walking with confidence and daring someone to hit me because I’m ready…I shaved! I bet this is how people feel when they have a bulletproof vest on. Go ahead shoot. I’m good…I shaved. πŸ˜‚ Really? I apparently am losing it. I barely shaved to the knee so it’s not like I covered everything. With these large legs I probably left several landing strips of hair on my legs. So much for being invincible. I’m glad I talked myself thru this. It was a nice invincible moment while it lasted. I will make plans to be a total badass tomorrow. Shave my head, get some tattoos…yeah probably not. I haven’t reached that stage in my life just yet. πŸ˜‰

Shaving workout

That’s right…I got another workout in today. What? Shaving is a workout when you are as big as I am. I’m a single woman in her 40s that isn’t interested in dating anyone so you can imagine how often shaving happens. Hell I don’t even do it for the lady doctor anymore. We are way past the first date and I’m sure she has seen worse. What’s the special occasion? Well I’m catching a flight this week and I have interesting luck so this one is for my airport security friends. 😬 Plus I actually need my deodorant to work since I’m sure the anxiety will be in full affect. I may not be losing weight with C210K but I bet I did with the layer of hair I just set free. No judgement people. I’m pretty sure there is something you are neglecting too. One of us is just being honest about it πŸ˜‰

C210K – Week 3 πŸ˜©

Da damn today was rough. Week 3 is complete and boy did it end with a kick in the ass. Okay so maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. They increased the run portion to 3 minutes. 😳 Sure I know that is nothing for some people but for me…it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. Yeah that’s probably a lie too. I’ve given birth, I’ve waited for my son to get out of surgery and am guilty of staring at the clock at work. Three minutes was definitely longer in those situations. Plus if I’m being really honest…I’m not running no damn where. I’m walking at a speed of 3 on the treadmill and my run parts are at 3.5. That is probably slow motion to some people. My big ass is dripping with sweat and wondering when this will be easier. Baby steps…I know. Well and I didn’t die so there’s that. I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s workout. They bump it up to 4 minutes of running. 😯 I should not have looked ahead. I know I’m making progress with the app but it doesn’t feel like anything is changing with my body. I still feel and probably weigh the same. πŸ˜” Maybe it will change soon but right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. I suppose that is better than doing nothing though. If nothing else…I will do it for the badges. Watch out for the rising star πŸ’«πŸ˜‰