Day 5, 6, 7? 👎🏻

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. 💪🏻🏃🏼‍♀️

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Day 3 & 4 😮

We are going to say that day 3 was a rest day since I worked too long and didn’t squeeze the walk in. Today is day 4 and I decided to go to the gym this morning. After work I have dinner plans so if I was going to get a walk in it had to be this morning. Let’s just say wow! I forgot how different walking on a treadmill is then walking outside. First let me say I was surprised I was less scared of falling on the treadmill than I am walking outside. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on for dear life. I’m not worried about falling so I’m not worried about how I’m walking on my foot. Since I’m not worried about my foot I’m not overcompensating or trying to correct something which leads to pain. I know it all sounds crazy. I appreciate my strolls outside. My mine is clear and I can pause and take pictures. It just feels good. In the gym you are moving at the same speed and there is no pause. I wasn’t wearing anything to measure the distance but I’m going to guess that what I walked in an hour yesterday only took me 40 minutes today. Insanity. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but part of me feels like I should build up my foot and confidence in my foot on the treadmill and then venture outside. I actually miss working out in the mornings too. I don’t know…we will see how it unfolds. What I do know is I can check another day of workout off the list. 😊

Day 2 rollercoaster

How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. 🤷‍♀️

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

Just me, myself and I

Warning this may be an asshole moment. I think today it finally hit me. The light came on or whatever the heck you want to call it. My kids are older and doing there own thing now. My friends have younger kids, financial challenges or I just suck. Either way I find myself alone a lot. During this alone time I’m practically begging friends and family to eat, watch tv, go somewhere or whatever else. A majority of the time I strike out. If they say yes it really is a temporary yes. I wait, wait and wait some more only to be told I can go ahead without them. Thanks…the day is almost over so now I’m just staying home. It sucks a lot. You start questioning yourself. Why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone want to hang out? As I’m sitting at the beach eating breakfast alone I realize that I’m totally okay being alone. I’m funny and just all around freakin amazing so I can entertain my damn self. I will go to the movies, take a trip, eat wherever I want and enjoy life solo. I’m done asking and waiting. Life is too short and me, myself and I have lots we want to do. See ya when I see ya ✌️

Dramatic much?

Okay I will be the first to admit that I can be super dramatic at times. I mean I did google life alert after I fell down. What? I was curious if there was some sort of age requirement. I’m only 41 but clearly have a falling issue. What if I’m slower and slower to get up with each fall? I’m just saying that fashionable life alert necklace may come in handy one day. Anyway…I like to read the news before I fall asleep. That may not make a lot of sense considering it is scary as 💩. There are a 1000 articles about what will happen if you eat or don’t eat this or that. As I’m skimming thru I see one that says my pillow can affect my health. My pillow? Really? That’s where we are? The only way I can see it affecting my health is if I was being smothered by it. I thought I was being “healthy” by not drinking regular soda. I had heard that diet soda causes cancer. Well apparently so does Coke Zero. They just change the formula people. Haven’t you seen the commercial? I’m pretty sure cancer causing stuff was taken out of the new version. Lettuce is making people sick now. Is anything safe? Baby powder causes cancer. Isn’t that nuts? Don’t sleep on your side, back or stomach. I bet there is something about each position that will cause hives. Do you have a microwave? Yeah you are going to hell. 😂 I’m just kidding. It’s insane the amount of stuff we are warned about now. I want to be a kid again where I can run around barefoot, eat mud pies and drink water from the water hose. I did all of that and was rarely sick. In fact I never stayed a night in the hospital until I was pregnant. That’s right…I’m a healthy fat chick. Well except for that weight and blood pressure thing but whatever. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I can’t handle the crazy. I’m going to bed before the world ends.

Shopping while fat

I hate shopping! Stores are set up like there are very few fat people in the world. The clothing section is always extremely small. The XS sizes are on the top and the XXXL sizes are on the bottom. Do they assume that skinny people are tall and fat people are short? I promise you don’t want to see me bending over digging thru everything on the bottom shelf. I tried finding the workout shirts with funny sayings but nope only inspirational messages could be found. What? I have abs…they are just hidden right now. I could probably find them in the men’s section but why do I have to do that? I have the same challenges when I shop for shoes. Apparently the world is made up skinny people with tiny feet. The smallest shoe sizes are on the top and the largest are on the bottom. I honestly have no idea what the average shoe size is for a woman. Clearly my feet are huge. I guess they grew longer as my body went wider. 🤷‍♀️ I challenge you to find decent looking size 11 women’s shoes in a store. That section is almost nonexistent. Again I’m forced to the men’s section. I’m not a dude! I don’t want to shop online for clothes and shoes either. Where is the fun in that? I would rather torture myself with trying on a ton of clothes and buying nothing because I’m depressed about my weight. 😂 Oh the drama of shopping while fat