It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.
I’ve been called emotionless, emotionally dead, cold and mean. I’m not sure how someone that cries watching the hallmark channel can be emotionless but we will go with it. I’m kind hearted but I’m also direct. I’m lovable but I’m also honest. Relationships are not something I’m good at. I watched my parents struggle and ultimately end with divorce. Then of course I watched my mother and her million failed relationships after that. I was never that girl that dreamed of a husband, kids and a white picket fence. I wanted to be free and travel the world. God had other plans though. I married, had a couple of kids and then divorced. There is nothing in me that says I want to be in a relationship again in life. I would simply like a friend that I can have amazing sex with on occasion. Apparently that doesn’t exist. I’m trying to keep things simple and then someone wants a relationship. Why? Why do you think every female wants that? Does that make me emotionally dead? Maybe. Maybe I am. For the first time in my life I’m thinking I should invest in a vibrator. No feelings or drama involved. I’m sure it would serve the purpose and no one is left disappointed. Maybe I will change my opinion when the right person comes along. I feel sorry for him when he does. 😂
Holy 💩!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. 😊 Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!
Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. Guess who lost 6 pounds since their last appointment?!? That’s right…this chick. It looks like my little bit of gym time is paying off. I started Weight Watchers a few days ago as well. I suck at eating the right thing but hopefully this points thing will help me. So far I’m obsessed with not exceeding my points. It’s a struggle but if I can keep up with it then I know I will see positive results. Next on the list is the yoga class. I’m hoping that with my gym time, Weight Watchers, yoga and DietBets I can finally win this weight battle. Either way, I’m enjoying the process this time.
I must admit I stayed in bed an extra hour this morning arguing with myself. I’m 40, obese and just had a pretty nasty fall yesterday. I stayed up later than I should have. I have a lot I need to get done today. What if I can’t walk because I’m sore from the fall? It’s cold out side. Someone needs to feed the cat. For real…how many excuses can you make up to not go to the gym? That’s right I’m 40 and obese. Sounds like more of a reason to go than not go. Yes I stayed up late but guess what I’m awake so there’s that. It’s 30 minutes…you have plenty of hours in the day to accomplish other things. Hello big girl you got up multiple times to pee already so you can walk. Oh and you were not dragging a leg so you are not that sore. You like the cold so find another excuse. He’s a cat…he has food and it’s not like it takes 5 hours to give him more. Get your big ass up and go to the gym! I did just that and it feels great! I’m bruised but not broken. No more excuses!
It may be a little strange but I talk to myself all of the time. It hasn’t been the greatest year but positive things have happened. As I try to focus on the good I’m quickly reminded I want this damn year to end. I was attacked by the shower. Let me explain. For some unknown reason my bathroom has a tiny square shower. I actually hate it a lot but it serves the purpose. There is this huge separate tub that I should be taking long baths in but nope…haven’t been in it at all. Instead I fight myself in the shower every single day. It’s awesome. Today would be the day that the shower joined the fight. As I’m having my positive reflection time, I step one foot into the shower and boom. Big girl wipes the fuck out. As my large ass falls on the cold tile several thoughts are going thru my mind. Hold your damn head up. For the love of God and all that is holy you don’t need that metal line where the door closes up the crack of your ass. Scoot girl scoot! Big 🖕🏻to all of that. Did anyone come running when they heard the loud noise? Nope…and it’s probably for the best. Seeing your mom naked on all fours is probably not something you ever want to see in life. I’m a warrior people! I got my big ass up and got in the shower. So what if I have a big bruise on my arm and ass. At least I lived to tell the story. It’s been fun 2017 but you need to go. ✌️
I’m pretty sure I’m one of the recent blogs if not the last one I said I was done waiting for people. Well…that was a lie. After the last post I went to the gym the next day and actually got my time down to a little over 30 minutes. The next day was going to be a rest day and then the excuses started to happen again. Someone was supposed to go with me and I just kept waiting for them to show so that we could go. I even moved the start time later and still nothing. I kept telling myself they needed my help and if I didn’t wait for them then they would never go. Well…the joke was on me because we never made it back to the gym. Last night I finally told them I was tired of waiting. I was leaving with or without them in the morning. It’s so hard to be selfish and put yourself first. You can’t save the world if you can’t save yourself. I guess I thought I could motivate someone but I really just ended up losing my tiny progress. So…time to reboot again. If they want to go they will go. I have to focus on me right now. I waited five extra minutes this morning and then decided to go to the gym without them. I’m so glad that I did. I’m walking very slow but at least I’m there. I’m not really focused on time or distance at this point. This morning I just walked until I wanted to stop. I signed up for a yoga class last night as well. The class starts in January. I’m super pumped about learning yoga. I’m hoping between the gym and yoga I will be less stressed, happier and healthier. A girl can dream 😊