It’s day whatever of being quarantined. Wait…let’s talk about that for a minute. Are you really quarantined? Places are open and you can leave your house. Yes I know it is just the essential business but I’m pretty sure that is every place. What has closed? You can’t eat inside the restaurant but you can still go inside to pick up your order. Home improvement and craft stores are open. You can buy a car right now if you wanted to. Regardless I’m blaming the quarantined situation for my weight gain. The thought of being controlled made me emotionally eat. So…what else do you do when you are stuck at home, your hair looks cray cray, your mind is all over the board, you need to shave and you have packed on the pounds? You think…I should totally create an online dating profile. What? That’s totally normal. 🤣 The way I see it…this may be my worst so if you like me now, boy will you love me later. It may be the craziest dating profile ever but at least it will be truthful. Don’t worry…the public is safe. It was just a thought 😉
Let’s talk about my poor choices today. First of all, who decides to go on the cabbage soup diet when they are quarantined and there is a toilet paper shortage in the world? Who wants to be locked up in a house with your gassy ass? I tried to prepare before consumption took place. The aisles are bare and of course the only wipes they have are the ones I’m allergic too. No thank you. I’m not trying to be that person that drags their ass on the ground like a dog because it itches. That’s a hard pass. Big 🖕🏻to that. Ummm can we get some assistance on aisle 9 please? I will trade you a case of Raman for Scott wipes. Anyone? Hello? I guess that is a no…home we go. After the consumption of not one but two bowls of cabbage soup it seemed like a great idea to have a bowl of ice cream. What kind of damn combo is that? Have you ever been in a Louisiana thunderstorm? That’s what my tummy sounded like. What in the what was I thinking? A total bubble guts situation. Things are bad so why not make them worse and have a cocktail? 🤢 Sweet mother of Pearl! Someone pray for my dog tonight. He may not survive the storm that’s a brewing. 🤣
I know it’s wrong but I’ve lost count of the quarantine days. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t really stayed home the whole time. 😬 What? I feel the need to restock the kitchen just in case the stores close. I don’t think I would be a very nice person if I was starving. It’s like I’m doing a public service. 🤷♀️ Anyway…we have reached a new level of crazy today. The internet stopped working. You read that correctly. No internet. It’s not working. How many times can you restart something? Wait…I’ve started and stopped dieting and exercising like a million times. 😳 This isn’t about me though. It’s about the internet that isn’t working while I’m quarantined and trying to work from home. Insert the desk flipping gif here. What in the world am I supposed to do now? The master of the internet universe isn’t coming for hours. That’s like a lifetime sir, ma’am, they. Yes this is a cry for help. So maybe that’s a little dramatic. I guess I will add to the quarantine weight gain and eat my feelings. Maybe I can entice the internet magician with my muffins. 🤣
Is anyone else overthinking life right now? I stayed home one day. Yes…just one day. I may have eaten enough for a village that day. It’s like I didn’t think about what was happening. Maybe my mind thought I needed to store away food like a squirrel or something. Then the freak out occurs because what if I run out of food and starve to death. Yes…that extreme in one sentence. 🤣 Lets not stop there though. What if we run out of food? Who will survive? Will it be the zombie apocalypse? I’m not ready for that? I’m fat and can’t run. Someone will feast on my body for days. I wonder if I can make zombie friends and they will spare me. 🤔 If they don’t, what kind of zombie will I be? Have you ever seen an overweight zombie? How does that work? How would I get food if I’m an out of shape zombie? Yes…my mind is out of control. The next day I HAD to get out of the house. The thought of being forced to stay home by someone made me have a little bit of anxiety. What do you mean I can’t leave when I want to? When did I become a prisoner? I know I said prison was my retirement plan but I’m not retiring yet. I must escape. Day 3 rolls around and I have to go to the store. What if there is something I need? States are shutting down. 😳 I go to the store and buy stuff I don’t need. It all makes total sense. That night I start to reflect on the day and the previous days. I ended up looking at diets and joined a damn virtual race. Day four has arrived…I wonder what will happen today. Will I eat all of the candy and cookies in the house to prepare for the diet? Will I be able to find the diet food in the store right now? How am I going to do the virtual race if I can’t leave my house? Sweet baby Jesus…get it together woman! Oh the drama! 🤪
Where is Usher when you need him? This is my confession…okay maybe a totally different thing than what he was talking about but it’s still a confession. 🤷♀️ I quit the gym. There…it’s out in the open now. The truth will set you free or whatever helps you sleep at night. I was that guy the beginning of January that signed up with the best of intentions. I even bought lessons with a trainer and met with the nutrition guy. I tracked my calories, macros, exercise and everything else using MyFitnessPal. If I’m being honest with myself, I made it a couple of weeks before I knew I was cancelling my membership. By the end of January I gave my 30 day notice. It was pointless and I knew I was going to do exactly what I did. I mean…I’ve only started and stopped a million times. I’m a pro at quitting when it comes to doing something for me. I can tell you that I did it for financial reasons and that would be true too. Why pay for an expensive gym when you clearly are not going to go? It was a total waste of everyone’s time and energy. The poor little trainer tried so hard. She was so sweet but had no idea what she was up against. I’m just a lost cause right now. The harsh reality is that I will never commit to taking care of me until I believe I’m worth it. No one can get me there but me. I’m not sure how or when that will happen either. So I guess that whole gym bod thing is on hold. 😉 On a positive note…I won’t catch the coronavirus from the gym. 😂 People…wash your hands and clean the machines after using them. For the love of God and all that is holy, you should have been doing it before this virus thing anyway!
You can probably tell by all my craziness that I’ve never been to therapy. It is something that I’m considering at this stage in my life. I think it may be the only way to heal what needs to be healed. I must admit I’m a little scared to do it. Someone mentioned that I would have to write a letter to my younger self. What would I say to that little girl? Is it before or after the first trauma? Do you prepare her for what’s to come? Do you try to protect her knowing you can’t? She is going to feel invisible at some point. How can you change that knowing the end result? No one is going to come to her rescue. She will be alone and hurt by the people that are closest to her. What’s the point of the letter? At this point it seems like it would be more of a warning letter. Don’t do that, avoid that person and find someone to help. You will feel numb. You won’t allow yourself to get attached to anything or anyone. You are going to feel worthless and there is nothing I can do to help you. You are going to beat yourself up all of the time. You won’t value yourself so you won’t take care of yourself. You won’t even make the list of people you need to take care of. You will work a lot and avoid anything self care related. You will convince yourself that no one wants to be around you so you will just work even more. Time will fly by and before you know it you will be alone. In those silent moments you will wonder if you deserved everything that happened to you. 😬 What do you say to someone knowing you can’t change anything? Hopefully this whole letter writing thing doesn’t happen until much later in the process or I may make a run for it. I can’t help that little girl. I can’t save her. The letter that I would write today won’t change that.
It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.